Two by Two Comedy

Humorous Happenings In "The Way!"

 

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“………the meeting must go on without interruption, without fail ..no matter what!!”

It was a mean and miserable winter Wednesday night…one of those nights when you dream of sitting around a roaring log fire with a hot cup of coffee cradled between your hands and some thick warm socks on your feet.

As you oscillate back and forth in Grandmas old rocking chair the physical & mental senses blur into a homogenous lump of fuzzy well being. As you seek for that delicate balance point of blissful comfort, your mind is free to flit like a butterfly from ……fond memories to ……inspirational moments to……Bang!! ……suddenly out it pops ……a memory that is so vivid & funny that it catches you by surprise & you burst out laughing.
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Well, there was such a wintry Wednesday night and there was a roaring log fire, but alas no rocking chair and no hot coffee.

It was a Wednesday night Bible study meeting & the very faithful friends were all gathered around the room and basking in the warmth radiating from the generous fire that the elder had prepared.

As the meeting progressed through prayer & into speaking time, so too, the fire progressed from generous to bounteous…to  roaring, with tongues of flame lashing at the wooden mantle piece that surrounded the fire place.

All in the meeting observed this growing furnace and also the growing amount of smoke emanating from the superheated wooden mantle piece.

The mantle piece was greatly heat stressed and was considering whether it was appropriate or not to burst into flame – but considering the present company, surely someone would do something to relieve the situation……but no.

Finally the elder realized the seriousness of the situation & silently left the room to return shortly with a bucket filled with sand which he threw on the fire to dampen its enthusiasm.

No!……not the slightest flicker of emotion from anyone else in the meeting........the person speaking continued, finished and sat down. The next person got up and began to speak at which point the fire caught a second breath and quickly began lashing out at the mantle piece again.
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The elder realized  that the situation required him to move a little faster if he were to regain control, so he left the room & returned promptly.

Another bucket……but not enough……another bucket……quicker……quicker!!

The poor elder was rushing in & out of the room but,……the meeting went on,

Oh yes,……and on……and no one flinched, for even though much smoke be emanating from a mantle piece, it must be that a meeting is not disturbed.

Law of Medes & Persians XV11 clause 2  (“…the meeting must go on”.)

Anyway, you will all be pleased to know that the elder finally got the fire under control, without the help of anyone else, I might add.

After the meeting was over, and everyone went home, the elder was able to sit with hot coffee between hands and make peace with his mantle piece by explaining to it the  necessity of putting up with a little heat sometimes so that “the meeting might go on”

You ask …what about the mountain of sand in the fire place?

Oh yes, that was removed next morning when things had cooled down a bit! 

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I have a funny kid story too.  When my daughter was almost three, and we were still in meeting, I had one of the most embarrassing moments ever.

She was potty training , but I always had to wipe her.  She had to go during
meeting, so I let her go on back to the bathroom by herself.  It wasn't long
before the silence of meeting was broken by her yelling,

"Mommy, come wipe my butty!"

Boy, did I turn a few shades of red!

- Jeri Vanderford   8 January 2000

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Ida Pearl Yates, in the sermon she was delivering, was talking about the importance of "building on a solid rock!!"

 However, it was a bummer for her because it came out, "building on a ROLID SOCK!!!!"
LOL LOL LOL

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The UPPER Crust of Convention

I thought I’d never ever get over the embarrassment I felt at one convention, but thankfully now, I can actually look back upon the experience and have a bit of a chuckle.

I remember feeling very privileged and kind of  special  at that time with having the job of serving morning and afternoon teas to the workers at convention where I learned how to make perfect asparagus rolls with all the crusts neatly cut off each slice of bread, the cream cheese spread to the very edge of each slice, the asparagus neatly placed corner to corner ready to be rolled up perfectly and skewed with a toothpick which was positioned at the required angle before placing it on a beautiful, fine china plate.

Next was the perfect ham off the bone sandwiches with a smear of mild mustard to enhance the flavour….with crusts removed, of course.

Specially cooked goodies of all sorts ranging from Californian custard chocolate slice to Bavarian something or other and the good old custard power sponge cake smothered with heavy cream topped with delicious mouth watering strawberries. The sausage rolls with tomato sauce was always a favourite. 

The best was always selected before the convention commenced and placed in the workers kitchen room where the cups of tea and coffee were served. Of course, it had to be fine china cups with matching saucers to make it all look so very inviting and impressive, particularly for the visiting workers as they sat around the table chatting away about ….well, very little actually. 

Having had this particular convention job for several years, I began to feel rather guilty when I thought of the workers indulging in grandeur style compared to the friends who were unaware of the goings on , but were just contented to eat the plain biscuits and dried out fruit cake with their mug of coffee or tea. Not that there’s anything wrong with plain biscuits and dried out fruit cake, but the fact that they were treated inferior to the workers made me wonder. Not only for the morning and afternoon teas but also breakfast time where eggs, bacon & grilled tomatoes were served only at the workers table in addition to the usual convention porridge which the friends had.  Other special dishes were prepared for lunch & evening meals in the worker's kitchen as well and served only on the workers table in the dining shed where the friends also ate.

I guess the ‘special feeling’ of this serving job wore a bit thin with me after a few years as I began to feel more and more guilty about the partiality. I realized I was accountable before God.

Well,  here’s when it happened…..........I had prepared all the eats for the morning tea, feeling a sense of relief that I had neatly arranged all the sandwiches, slices, cakes (with cake forks of course)  and other specialties on the white starched tablecloth as required, just before the workers filed into the room one by one and seated themselves down around the table.  As they slowly sipped their cuppa and looking all prim and proper, some of them began to bite into a ham sandwich.

I started to notice that a gradual look of horror began to appear on some of the faces followed by spluttering, then an outburst of coughing, red faces, bulging eyes and I don’t know what else, but suddenly the penny dropped.  

I dived for the cupboard where my great suspicions were confirmed. 

To my utter horror, I had mistakenly used the Extra Hot Mustard instead of the usual Mild Mustard.

The outcome?  

It was good for me because the next convention I was demoted to lower ranks of service……freed at last from all the upper crust of convention.

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Newsflash

Today, Friday, September 11, two researchers from some university in the midwest announced the discovery of the GENE connected to "The Truth."

"We were searching for the GENE which determines sobriety, conservative dress sense and singing in a minor key," said Dr. Tess Talot. Surprisingly enough, they found this GENE also determined people's propensity to know "The Truth."

"Due to the GENE'S particular structure, we have named it the Two-by-Two GENE," explained Dr. Noaha Little. "We expect some corruption of the Two-by-Two GENE (due to education radiation coming through the missing ozone layer) has weakened its effectiveness over the past twenty years."

The GENE'S origins have been traced back to Ireland, many moons ago.

Welcome all newcomers. You are amongst friends, all on this list have seen the light. No one agrees who's got their finger on the switch though.

Looking for a new set of JEANS!!!

Posted on the Two-by-Two List on September 12, 2003

Name Withheld

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The workers had made it clear to me how much they disapproved of us having a TV but because my husband was not professing or even going to meeting there wasn't much they could do about it . On one occasion two sister workers were visiting us and my young son was quietly watching the movie " The Brave Little Toaster." As the older worker and I were talking she turned to the younger worker (who hadn't been in the work for even a year) to ask a question. Well, the younger worker was so engrossed in "The Brave Little Toaster" that she never even heard the older worker talk to her. Finally after asking a couple of times she thumped her on the leg to get her attention. I was having a hard time not laughing !!

The look on the younger worker's face was one of shocked horror at being caught enjoying watching a cartoon !!! They left shortly after this. I wonder what was said in the car that night !

Linda Maseman 10/99

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In a gospel meeting in Vermilion Alberta a few years ago, a squirrel got in the room during proceedings and started making a racket at the back of the room, much to the amusement or the children and the not so young children! This certainly disrupted the solemn atmosphere of that meeting!

After meeting, when we all were filing out shaking hands with the workers, we heard one self-righteous old gentleman tell the workers, "I enjoyed your sermon so much I never even noticed that squirrel back there!" :-)

Ed Service 9/99

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There are times when I could hardly suppress a "hoot" in meetings. Like the time when:

One of the _______ clan from Vancouver came to a Sunday morning meeting in Montreal. Being "enthusiastic" he was the first to give his testimony - and stood up to do so - everyone else gave their's sitting down, as is the custom in most of eastern Canada. He was a little embarrassed.

A few weeks later, the same man and his wife, was back for another meeting. He, again, was first to speak but this time he remained sitting - everyone else STOOD to give their little blurb - it was UNION Sunday and the custom is to stand on union Sunday. Later during the meeting he blurted out to his wife "I wish they would make up their minds!"

Or the time when: A visiting lady, Ms ______, at our meeting testified " When I was taking my bath last night I was enjoying singing that hymn "From Every Stain Made Clean"

Or: Another luminary said - When I was meditating - uh - to get some bread - uh - to put on the table - uh -in the meeting this morning - uh - I enjoyed reading the comics.............!!!!!!

Have an amusing day! Love and smiles,

Leigh and Claire Townsend Sept 12/99

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One funny thing that I did hear one gentleman say in his testimony- & I know he probably said it differently than he meant to- was "I just hope I can be more SPIRITUALLY DEAD in future days" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cheri Mattison 7/99

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I had taken my daughter (8), a son (6) and a son (4) to convention one year. I thought perhaps the 6 year old was too old to sleep in the "Ladies quarters.” So, I asked a friend of ours (my husband was not there) - if my son could stay in the men's barn with him. (I must have been nuts! How would a 6 year old boy feel sleeping in a barn with a bunch of strange men???) Anyway, in the morning my boy was taken to breakfast and allowed to eat 3 full bowls of prunes, because he "liked them so much"!

Later I noticed Tyson standing against the barn wall while all the other children were running around having fun. He would not come away from the wall. I guess I don't need to go into much detail here as to what was wrong! Poor kid! We spent most of the evening in the washroom!!

At McCordsville, IN convention maybe 6-8 years ago they were having a baptism. There was a guy getting baptized who wasn't raised in the group nor did he have any connection. Anyway he was a rather odd sort of young man probably in his 30s who undoubtedly would not have fit in well with most people. Anyway when the worker began to baptize this man, I'm not sure what happened or who lost their footing--but they were ALL over that pond before they got straightened up again. I think the “baptizee” did get fully immersed but the “baptizor” almost did as well. You know how VERY solemn baptisms were in the 2x2s--this one wasn't. Even the older workers were snickering & hiding their behind towels they hand out to those in the water!!!

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Over 40 years ago, my family used to occasionally share rides to meeting with my Dad's partner's family. All eight adults & kids would go to Wed night meeting in one car. One day, one of this man's kids left a slightly used lollipop on the driver's seat of his car & he did not notice it. It stuck to the seat of his pants when he went into the house for meeting. My mother & the lady of the house both saw it. Prayer was done kneeling at that time. All through prayer, both ladies would steal a look at this guy's fanny with the red lollipop dangling there. Both of them were literally splitting throughout the whole meeting. I never did find out if someone let him know or just removed it after meeting.

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Thought I would share a funny thing that happened at one gospel meeting...I just remembered it!

We had gospel meetings for awhile in a very small, old country opera house. It was an historical landmark, well over 100 years old. I loved it, myself, until the night when we began to discover quite a few mouse holes in the baseboards. One night when one of the two brother workers was speaking, one of the little furry guys decided to poke his head out to see what was going on. That mouse scurried back and forth, back and forth...BEHIND the speaking worker and his companion! The worker paused several times in his speaking to try to figure out what all the gasping, repulsion, and feet up off the floor was all about...but, he just kept on talking!! Finally, the companion worker saw the mouse...but didn't know quite what to do while the other guy just kept talking away. I guess he decided to just pray about it...because our little furry guy decided to go back home to his hole.......the 2x2's just weren't for him!!!!!

I think he was quite a smart little mouse, don't you??

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A sister worker was speaking and a "worldly" kid outside must have thrown a very large rock at the side door near the platform. The "hit" was very loud and everyone seemed startled. The sister worker paused slightly but continued on as if nothing had happened. (Such CONTROL!!!)

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One night at gospel meeting, the lights went out. It was absolutely black in the hall, couldn't even see your hand in front of your face. The strange thing was that the worker just continued to preach as if NOTHING had happened!!! No one said, "Oh, it looks like we're having a little technical trouble" or "we should have lights in a minute or two" NOTHING was said about it! He just kept preaching and never missed a beat. After meeting, everyone was talking about how amazing it was...how the worker must have been so in tune with the spirit that he hardly noticed!!! I can't remember how long the lights were out, but it was a few minutes. When they came back on we were all still just sitting there intently listening to the worker as if nothing had happened! Is that STRANGE or what?!

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In California, gospel meetings are often held in union halls. Big rooms with tile floors. Apparently during one meeting an 'old' fella nodded off while the worker was preaching, only he ended up falling out of his chair into the isle! It made such a ruckus they had to end the meeting then!

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The main speaker at convention was well under way. I believe he was talking about the wrath of God. All of a sudden, as if by perfect timing, a great THUNDER boomed outside! Talk about special effects!

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Here is a rather amusing incident that happen when I was eighteen just after I professed. Arthur Bird was running a mission in Dublin on his own, in an old shop which was being renovated by one of the friends. I arrived early, together with by friend George and sat down on the end of a long seat like the ones used at convention.

Unfortunately there was dry rot in the floor and the seat went through the floor throwing both of us into the aisle. There were only a few of the friends present so there was a bit of a chuckle, while we picked ourselves up and positioned the leg over a joist, and sat down again.

Arthur Bird had not yet arrived so knew nothing of what had happened, but when the meeting started the first hymn we were asked to sing was "Jesus the very thought of Thee" which of course contains the words "To those who fall, how kind Thou art" which I felt was a rather unfortunate choice under the circumstances.

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A young professing woman was in the habit of swaying or rocking as she gave her testimony. On one occasion her chair rubbed against the huge metal sculpture hanging back of her head on the wall. Without warning her chair lifted the wall sculpture and began to screech and rub all the way down the wall to the floor. She didn't know what was happening and everyone else in the room was trying to hold back their giggles. I was the closest to the wall hanging and was concerned that it would crash on the young speaker and myself. I attempted to hold it in place but it just screeched and slid its way down to the floor with a crash.

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Since Willis Propp is very much in the news lately, here is my funny incident for the list. We attended a gospel meeting one time in Manly hall near Edmonton Alberta Canada and Willis Propp was the senior worker. Just as the meeting was starting the power went off and stayed off throughout the meeting. It was totally black in there so he got up and changed his subject completely and spoke a whole sermon on the BLACKNESS of DARKNESS. It was quite fitting but now I wish I could remember exactly what he said and try and determine how much he really knows about how to recognize darkness when we see it. Anyway it sounds like the light may be getting a bit brighter!! (and hotter) :-) 10/96

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A kids eye view of black stockings. One year while we were back east visiting relatives, I noticed a picture of my grandmother, after looking at it for a while, I announced to everyone in the room that, hey! Grandma wears leotards like me! I didn't understand why all the adults thought it was so funny!

[Administrative foot note. In the "early days" the professing women had to wear black stockings--at least in America.]

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I have an interesting story that some of you should enjoy regarding hair regulations for the “truthers.”

I never worried too much about wearing my hair in a bun, but when I started professing my father got upset when I went to the meeting with my hair down, so I started wearing it up like everyone else. Anyway, we had a young lady OUTSIDER start to attend Gospel meetings! After coming along for a few weeks, she had a few questions for the workers. She asked "Why does everyone wear their hair like that? Is it some sort of rule? Would I have to wear my hair like that?"

Well, as you all know, THERE ARE NO RULES in the 2x2s! But it sure looked like it. Problem! So, this worker went around and visited us other young ladies, and guess what! A NEW RULE came out! We HAD TO WEAR OUR HAIR DOWN to prove that there was no "rule" that we had to wear it up! So, we all obediently pulled down our hair for a few weeks! This girl stayed around for awhile, and then decided it was not for her. She quietly disappeared, and all the hair quietly went back up into buns!

Just for the record, the worker who issued this temporary new rule was fairly unpopular with the other workers for a while, because he also invited this girl to convention (Sunday only) when she was NOT PROFESSING :-O. Poor thing turned up in her t-shirt and Jeans amidst all the Sunday Convention finery! Well, the workers had a real ABOMINATION on their hands :-). You can imagine how well she stuck out! They frantically ran around trying to find out who had brought this heathen onto convention grounds, and our worker quickly confessed. I hear that he got a dressing down for this "error" and indiscretion. [Admin. note: I wonder if this PUN was intended?]

I will never forget the great stir this caused. I still laugh whenever I
think of it.

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During convention meetings, my brother and I often had contests to see who could catch the first fly live in our hands. During one particularly dreary afternoon meeting, we took sticky candy from our mouths, rubbed it on the palms of our hands, and put the candy back in our mouths. Then we waited like Venus Fly Traps until an unsuspecting fly came down to sample our wares. CLAP! My brother Dan's hand snapped shut, creating a dark cage for the poor buzzing critter. Then, cruel, cruel world, right in the middle of the sermon called Safe in the Ark (just kidding, the rest of this story is true, I swear), Dan plucked the wings from the nasty insect. To suppressed screams of hysterical laughter--we somehow managed to remain silent but it made the whole bench bounce--we placed the wingless bug on the shoulder of the pious woman just in front of us. The poor flightless fly scurried hither and thither on her back with little fits and starts. When the fly went up and over her shoulder and started down the front side, we made the bench bounce all over again. So if you ever saw two misbehaving boys at convention and wondered to yourself, "WHO and WHERE are their parents?" Well, those boys were us--Dan and me. And my parents? They were sitting somewhere else, listening to the sermon and being proud of how grownup and well-behaved their boys were.

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>>>We did the fly thing too!! Only we waited until they landed on our hymnbooks and then slammed them shut!!!<<<

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During my first year in the work I went to convention in Manitoba and Saskatchewan. During preps I was helping out with the meal. I saw three brother workers sitting at a table across from where I was. I went over and sat across from them. While we were chatting one patted the bench next to him and said "Why don't you come and sit down and talk". I said, "That's okay, I'm fine here." We continued to talk. Then he said, "Come sit here so we can get to know one another better." To which I said "well, we can know one another from here too, right?" Then, my companion said, "Greg, that's the sister workers' side of the table." Duh! I didn't get it. There were hints, but I didn't get it. I didn't get the drift of what was being said. I didn't get the revelation.

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I think we all remember as children "playing meeting". One person got to be the elder or worker, & others played the parts of saints. Usually we pretended to be someone or the other at meeting. One usually got to cry more than others when praying or giving a testimony, like someone they knew in their meeting. Anyway, two young boys we knew often substituted prune juice for the grape juice for their meeting. These boys went to meeting at a widow's home & one time she was out of grape juice & used prune juice. At the time this happened these boys were now teenagers & professing. They about burst out laughing when they tasted the prune juice! Also, the meeting where I went as a very small child was at a widow's home. She was quite elderly & before she had to give up her home as she became quite senile. At a few of the last meetings in her home when the wine was passed, there was mold floating on top. People just tried to sip a bit on the other side of the mold -- so guess it probably was close to being 'real wine''. 1/97

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HELPFUL HUMOR

A TOUR OF HEAVEN
 
A Christian died and went to heaven. On arrival he was met by an angel who took him on a tour of Heaven. The first thing he saw was the 24 elders casting down their crowns before the throne with praise and gladness, singing "Thou art worthy, thou art worthy." Thousands of angels made a joyful noise unto the Lord saying "Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and glory, and blessing.

The Christian was shown an angel with a golden censor who was offering incense to God with the prayers of all the saints. A wonderful sweet savor went up to mingle with the prayers. The angel filled the censor with fire and cast it to the earth and lo, Voices and thunderings, lightnings and an earthquake were on earth and the power of them was seen in heaven.

People were dancing and singing with all their might in praise of the Lord as David did when the ark was brought back to Jerusalem with shouting and the sound of trumpets.

Music, loud music everywhere, played songs of praise to God. Those in heaven were rejoicing in love because they had trusted in the redeeming power of Jesus.  Thousands of instruments, just like in the days when Solomon was made king, all made for offering praise to the living God. People washed each other's feet and thanked God for the opportunity to
serve their neighbor.

After walking for a long time the Christian and the angel came to a little side road leading off by itself, very secluded, very quiet, no noise, no praising God, no music for making a joyful noise unto the Lord, just a silence which was eerie.  Down the side road they went, walking quietly, not even speaking to each other, so overwhelming was the silence thereof.

At the end of that road there was a compound which was curtained off by heavy material to deaden any sound which might dare get within distance of that area.

Peeking inside they saw a group of people, neatly dressed, sitting quietly, silently rejoicing in their outward appearance and uniformity which they were sure was a wall of separation from evil. They were enjoying none of the new and incredible things which all the other Christians were sharing. These people were doing nothing for each other; they were just sitting there waiting for something to happen. Orderly.

In amazement the Christian asked "WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE and what are they doing all alone in this area?"

"SHH" said the angel, these are friends and workers. They think they are the only ones saved so we have them here on their own.

You see, said the angel, these people have missed wonderful fellowship even here in heaven because they would not listen or join in praise to God. They have silently focused on their own appearance and uniformity.

They have failed to simply trust in the Blood of Jesus for Salvation.

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HEAVEN'S ENTRANCE EXAM

A man dies and goes to heaven.  He is met at the Pearly Gates by a Heavenly custodian.

The custodian says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was.

When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

 "That's wonderful," said the Custodian "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he said. "Well, I professed all my life; never missed a meeting!

And I supported the ministers financially and any other way I could."

"Terrific!" responded the Custodian.  "That's certainly worth two points."

"Two points?!  I worked every year at the annual convention and in preparation for the convention for several days too; for years and years!"

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points, " he said..

"Two points!" the man cried. "At this rate the only way I’ll get into heaven is by the grace of God."
 
"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"

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The "NON-2x2 Section:

Check This Out: "Elephant That Draws"

THIS ELEPHANT WILL ASTOUND YOU WITH HIS TALENT FOR DRAWING!!!!

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Very Funny:

"The Smartest Bird in the World"

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"Twin Baby Moose AND Sprinkler"

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Robin Williams As "The Flag" 

 

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Cain and Abel

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden.

One of the boys asked, "What's that?"

Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

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Country Funeral

As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a Funeral Director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in
sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul.

As I preached about 'looking forward to a brighter tomorrow' and 'the glory that is to come,' the workers began to say 'Amen,' 'Praise the Lord,' and 'Glory!'

The fervor of these men truly inspired me. So, I preached like I had never preached before, all the way from Genesis to Revelations. I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, 'I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin’ in septic tanks for thirty years!'

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PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last! they heard, "One for you, one for me.

That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

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The Human Race

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race come about?'
 
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve, and they had children, and so all mankind was made.'
 
Two days later she asked her father the same question.
 
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.'
 
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God, and Papa says we developed from monkeys?'
 
The mother answered, 'Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.'

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Into the Hole He Goes:

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:

'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'

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Proof That Scripture Can Protect You

Now an elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when an intruder startled her.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled,

Stop!  ACTS 2:38!**" 

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a Scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar.  "I thought she said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"

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Which Service??

One Sunday morning, the Pastor noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the church foyer.
It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so The Pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly,"Good morning David".

"Good morning Pastor"; replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?" David.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked,

"Which one, the Sunday Morning or Sunday Evening Service?"

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God is Watching!!

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

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Let My People God!!!

An itinerant evangelist was preaching at a little church. He rambled on and on, a lot longer than the host pastor ever spoke. And every time someone said, "Amen" or "That's right" he would just get fired up for another ten minutes or so.

Eventually, the host pastor began to shout "Amen, Pharoah!' every few sentences. Finally the lengthy sermon wound down to a conclusion.

After the people left the church, the evangelist asked the host pastor what he had meant by shouting, "Amen, Pharoah!"

The host pastor replied, "Let my people go!"

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Say a little prayer"

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

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Dear Lord:

So far today, God, I've done all right.

I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or over-indulgent.

I'm really glad about that.

But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help!

Anonymous

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SOMEBODY'S RAISING THEIR KID RIGHT!

One Nation, 'Under God.'

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God up there?

TOMMY: No.

TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

TOMMY: Do you see the tree outside?

TOMMY: Yes.

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?

TOMMY: Yes

LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

TOMMY: No

LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!

"FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT"

II CORINTHIANS 5:7

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Did you hear the one about the toe who wanted to see?

He was envious of the eye and thought that it wasn't fair that the eye could see and he couldn't. So he complained to God and begged to be given the ability to see. He felt that the eye had more privileges than he did.

God said, "Well, yes, I can give you the ability to see, but I don't know why you would want it. All you will ever be able to see is the inside of a sock."

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Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water  hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a  panic.

• “Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!’ she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.
• 'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he  said.

'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the  Son and in..the hole-he-goes.'

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We are going to HAVE to do something about that woodpecker!!!!!

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